Feelings of doubt

When you play sports and are a bit good at it, you’ll probably want to attain the highest possible position. For me, right now, that would mean playing for the first team of the club. Our coach will make the decision on Tuesday, after yet another practice match. Tension is running high after today’s matches…

Last year, I tried out as well, for the first time. I didn’t make it and started playing in the second team, which was good for me! I could acquire leadership qualities (I was one of the more experienced on the team) and learn how to put myself in scoring position more. When I had to substitute in the first team at the end of the season, I had improved and was able to keep up and score more (which was the reason I didn’t make it).

My apologies in advance for the rambling, but I just have to get this off my chest.

At this moment, it looks like I’m running against the same girl for the same position, and I hate it! When I see her score, I’m happy for the team, but begin doubting myself at the same moment. She is one of the people that are really good at times when the coach has to select. I’m not. Obviously when she is better, the coach SHOULD pick her, but I think during the season we’re neck to neck. But with her playing so good at the start of the season, I’m starting to question my own abilities, though I’ve shown them last season. In addition, we have a new coach for the second team who is very knowledgeable and whom I like perhaps better than the first team’s coach. My husband actually believes it might be better for my development to play in the reserve team.

This all adds to my feelings of doubt. I really want to play for the first team, because I think I can add something and also, admittedly, as a matter of prestige. But I agree with my husband: I think the second team might be better for me. I just don’t know right now, but I can’t think of much else and a part of me dreads coming Tuesday. I think I’ll just have to wait, try my best and see where it ends.


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